Looping back Around

Okay, it turns out I'm not going forward with radiation right away, it's being postponed. I'm going to repeat a step and have a 2nd surgery, by a 2nd opinion surgeon out of Walnut Creek Kaiser, on Tuesday. I decided this Friday morning. Best scenario is that she goes in again and doesn't find anymore cancer, then it will have been for naught, except my peace of mind, and hers. I couldn't let go of the close margins around the tumors they took out. The pathology report had said carcinoma "within 1 mm" of the margin. Also, if she takes out more tissue and can get wider clean margins, I might not have to have a radiation boost (7-10 zaps directly to the tumor site), which happens to be within an inch of my heart...with my lungs nearby. The fact is, radiation not only will kill cancer cells left in my breast, it also can give you cancer in nearby organs... collateral damage they like to down play. I'd still have radiation to the whole breast, and I may still need the boost, but if I don't, that alone would make this 2nd surgery worthwhile.

Choices, choices...it is ultimately my decision because it is my body and my life. It is awkward to go contrary to the recommendations of my Oakland doctors. The oncologist wrote in my chart, "the patient continues to perseverate on the close margins and not her great prognosis." Is this me focusing on the negative instead of the positive? or is it me being prudent and trusting my instincts? Dr. L feels strongly this is the right thing to do, but she is a surgeon and is used to solving problems with surgery. Could a positive attitude have kept a recurrence at bay? That is too much to ask of myself, I'd feel more confident with a 2nd viewing of the tissue in my breast. A confirmation that nothing got left behind.

A 2nd surgery means I may be lopsided, so there is the aesthetic sacrifice. But I am willing to trade it for the highest chance of avoiding a recurrence. If one has a recurrence in the same breast, radiation isn't offered a 2nd time, so mastectomy it would be. This is hard because I feel so healthy. I have to remind myself that the cancer would kill me if I don't make decisions and get treatment, and anyone who knows me, knows that I sweat out every tiny minuscule choice I have to make and then rarely let it go once I've made it.

So Debbie is coming in tomorrow afternoon to be here for me and my family, and lovely cousin Hillary will pick her up. Recovery should be faster because this surgery won't be under general anesthesia since no lymph node dissection is happening. I'm told not to dance as soon after this time, which I will heed, given the arm complication and scar tissue I now contend with.

Today was gorgeous weather. Ezri had a baseball game and Aaron joined us and it was a lovely day. Tomorrow I will pass off my work project to my boss to meet a deadline, and Tuesday will be Surrender. Unknown. Trust. Faith. Confidence. Thanks to all my friends and family whose love and prayers give me strength, really. You remind me that I'm not crazy, there is a lot to contend with in my life these days, but being around for another couple of decades will make it all worthwhile. Namaste.