In my last post, I wrote that I'd finally given myself permission to paint breasts. Three people have told me I am "delusional," that in fact I have painted breasts many times. So I went through my archives and sure enough, I found a few paintings with breasts, one that you see here. But allow me to make a distinction: I have painted breasts before, but I realize they were in the context of fear, pain and disease. This time around it was breasts in terms of pure pleasure (hence the fancy nipples.) I plan of giving myself permission to paint them again and again!
Thanks for reading and offering me feedback.

Permission

Eva sent me the dance theme this afternoon, "The seeds of intention. When you intend something, then you help create it. The intention of Pleasure, Well Being and Wholeness." I figured the seeds of intention are in the mind. Pink for pleasure, brown for wholeness, blue for the gratitude of being alive in a body. I immediately focused in on "pleasure"and finally gave myself permission to paint breasts. As the clock was pushing 7:00, I added the fancy nipples, using gold shimmery paint and white, as if it were icing on the cake. So, in my mind, there was no doubt that these are breasts, but then a man at dance thought they were testicles, which I really appreciate. When I came home, my older son said I should start painting something BESIDES breasts for a change!!!!! and here I am feeling like I just gave myself permission to paint them for the first time! ....Like the Woody Allen movie when the screen splits and Woody is on one side telling his therapist that they never have sex, only 3 times a week and Diane Keaton is on the other side saying they have sex all the time, 3 times a week. It's all a matter of perception.
The painting was a big hit with fellow dancers. It amazes me that I can be reading the theme at 5pm, stare into a blank sheet of paper on the wall an hour late, shush my critique and trust that I can paint something, using my old smelly, dried out and cracked tempera paints. In a way I wish they were sand paintings, done with love and care and only meant to last a few hours. My paintings are witnessed for two hours,and then sit in the warehouse on a shelf gathering dust. And what to do with them when I move? They are so big. I really would like to have a show, I just have no energy to put into creating one. Where? to frame or not to frame? push pin into the walls? put price tags on them? print the greeting cards and sell them at the show? or continue to appreciate the extemporaneous value of creativity?

Tonight I felt like an artist with a vision, a calling, a purpose. I want to take two photographs of my girlfriends. One chest shot (no head, no arms, no belly) with naked breasts and one chest shot with a beautiful neckline. Then I want to paint a picture of their breasts and a beautiful neckline. The image can remind us to touch ourselves and remember that our breasts are sweet and delicious. They are designed to nourish and they offer and receive pleasure. I want to celebrate them instead of sexualize them, I want to honor them instead of fear a cancer lump in them. Some one at dance told me about organic breast oil, found at the Grand Lake Farmers market. You rub it in with your hands circling around on your breast 37 times. It nourishes them and helps you get to know their texture and lumps. I want to get some and start right away!

This is the first painting I did at the anniversary workshop. You might say it was the warm up. The paint feelings like painting with mayonaise, very juicy and smooth. This painting was damaged and I gave it to Ezri's art teacher to cut up for collage at his school.

Alter Feb 17, 2011

Anniversary

A year ago February 4th I was diagnosed with cancer,Breast Cancer. It's hard to believe a year has passed and that the ordeal is behind me, because truthfully the fear of a recurrence is with me every time I eat something. I wonder if my body is growing more cancer and if I'm eating enough anti-cancer foods. I know I eat too much sugar. It's hard to feed my boys what they will eat and make what I should be eating.

To mark the year, I treated myself to a weekend painting workshop with Stewart Cubley of Process Arts. It was his class, the Painting Experience, that I took back in 1988 that helped me pick up where I left off in 3rd grade, painting for fun and not concerned about the product. The workshop was at Fort Mason and it was a gorgeous weekend, sunny and warm. For the past 3 years my paintings have been fast, done in an hour or so before the dance class starts at 7, a useful deadline that has become an incredibly fertile practice. But in the workshop, I painted on one big painting for hours, adding two more sheets the second day and making it even bigger. "I surrender, I pray, and I expunge." I indulged in layer upon layer, quietly patternizing and getting into the groove. In that process, I had a sensation that "trust" was a physical feeling. If I could feel that sensation, I could trust.

I took this painting for the alter last week and it was great to get some distance on it. I've included a photo of the alter...thanks to Kathleen's vision...as usual, the painting came and fit in perfectly

There is a part of me that wants my life to be different, to have better relationships, to be a better parent, to challenge myself, to feel more satisfaction with myself.
I can acknowledge even the tiniest successes and expand on those. I am the gracious leader of my inner cast of characters and I lovingly heal them one by one. I treat all parts of me with compassion and understanding.
I have strengths and positive qualities. I have follow through. I have patience. I can look ahead and see what is needed. I have perceptive insights that I can take action on. I can acknowledge that these strengths are a part of me, no matter how small. I can contact these strengths within myself and enlarge them.