Mountain Countenance

I went with my friend to the oncologist to hear what the pathology report said after her lumpectomy.  It was a different experience to be the support person and not the patient, and I was overwhelmed with how grateful I am that I have family and friends to support me. It was a gift to go with her and offer my ears and understanding.  As we were sitting across from the Dr with his desk piled high with important papers and his walls covered with art from patients and his own photographs, I remembered how hard it was to wrap my head around the many scenarios of "IF this Then...." or "If this Then....".  Whether to have a second surgery to get clean margins or to have a mastectomy and remove the habitat.  He said more information is needed so he will send her tumor sample for the Onkatype DX test.  This expensive test compares your tumor markers with a data base of others to give you a risk score from 1-100 and  can help you decide whether you will choose Chemotherapy or not. I had a low score and choose to skip Chemo.  How lucky I felt 2.5 years ago and how I hope and pray she gets a low score...(plus she has beautiful hair :)  But when discussing the rates of recurrence and the probability of having it return in her bones or my brain, let alone a breast, I was reminded that Breast Cancer can kill me and now her. I know that sounds silly, because we all know women who left behind small children and great lives because their breast cancer went out of control, and we all know how a crazy gunman can take away your life with no notice, but it reminds me of the daily challenge to live in the present yet plan for the future. I am oh so grateful to have made it past my 53rd birthday and past my son's 17th and 10th birthdays.  Each day is a gift, yet I forget and get angry because the house is a mess or lights were left on.

This painting is from last year, Strong Like A Mountain, and I realized in the Oncologist office, that I can let the wind sway me, the water move me, the sun warm me, but let the mountain remind me that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.

Negative Space (sold)

Another friend of mine now has Breast Cancer.  She has a big job, two kids, a partner who isn't always on top of things and she financially carries the family.  I met with her in the park and we hugged and cried, remembering what an ordeal surgery and treatment were for me as she faces her own journey.   I remembered what Angeles Arrien had said in the Gratitude workshop...."focus on what IS working".  My friend texted me a few days later and said "focusing on what's working..its like working with negative space..it reveals itself if you avail yourself."  It's been said that you tell people things you need to hear yourself.  That is the truth on this one.  What IS working is there for everyone to see, but often invisible to those closest to it.  I came home embraced my family, and felt grateful to be able to support my beautiful friend.

Home from the Tropics

I took the boys to Puerto Vallarta over Thanksgiving to join my cousins at Villa Celeste, a beautiful home facing the ocean with a stepped pool at the beach.  We swam before breakfast, after breakfast, upon returning back from excursions, before dinner and then after dinner. I was a mermaid. The moon was waxing, the temperature was in the 80's and I could walk along the beach, watch the tide pools fill and empty with the rythym of the waves or jump in the warm ocean and feel the strong currents. I was relaxed and happy, enjoying the visual delight of the art and textiles.  We went south and took a water taxi toYelapa and spent another day climbing through the botanical gardens amidst the exotic leaves.

Upon my return, the theme from Eva for dance on Wednesday was trees...how roots go deep and have mountain countenance while leaves sway in the wind and are released.

Now for something totally different...

the theme was Be Yourself. So I began with nothing in mind, just started dragging paint across the surface and letting it drip. I love to do this. It reminds me of big sky and horizons off in the distance.  I layered and dripped, layered and dripped. 

Whew...and my gift to strangers

I had my bi-annual mammogram today and although I don't have the formal radiology report, there seemed to be nothing of interest on the images.  Whew.  Every six months I find this combo mammogram/Dr. visit nerve wracking. .  After you have your turn in a room getting your breast squashed between two cold plexiglass plates, you remain in the light cotton wrap sitting in a waiting room to see if they need more images taken.   There were three other women in this inner sactum, and we were all at varying stages of the breast cancer experience.  One women was 19 years out, another just getting a Fine Needle Aspiration, the first step to see if there are cancer cells in a new found lump.  I handed the three women one of my painting mini-cards.  A bright little image emmanating life force.  It felt wonderful and somehow liberating to offer my images to strangers.  They were delighted. When I came out the 2nd time (I was called back in for more images because my scar, coupled with my dense breast tissue, obscures the area of the original tumor site, making it hard to detect new lumps) there were two new women deep in conversation. When one was called in to have her mammography, the other seemed crushed to be separated and left behind.  I retrieved my belongings from the locker and dressed in the changing room. On my way out, I handed the lone women two mini-cards and said "here is an offering for you and your friend."  The women took them, looked at each one, and then looked at me with surprise and big smile and said "thank you."  It was a random act of kindness and felt incredibly gratifying.  It seemed the right place to hand out my painting cards to strangers.

  

KINDNESS

OPEN to Gratitude

I spent last weekend in the presence of and listening to anthropologist Angeles Arrien in a workshop on Gratitude at the Mount Madonna Center in Watsonville.  She is a lovely woman with an open heart. To sit in her presence and hear her speak was magical.

I hadn't been at dance for two weeks due to Yom Kippor, (another experience atoning and cleansing of the past year while sitting in community). So when I entered the dance hall, put my painting up, and saw Eva, I told her "I feel I'm a different person than I was when I was here two weeks ago."  That statement popped out of my mouth, and I'm still not sure why.

The dance theme from Eva was "Be in the space/room NOW"   But after having this painting witnessed on the Altar for 2 hours, someone suggested the title...OPEN.  It sums up my experience of gratitude...that I can open my heart to myself and others.  That I can be protected and still offer compassion instead of judgement.

Returning

Swan: Returning to Nature

Our painting practice has commenced again after the summer break when Eva was in Europe.  I trusted myself and painted with joy, and the image emerged flowing from my heart through my arm to the tip of the brush. 

Stuck...Release

Can you see the word NOW in the painting?

All sides of Me

Hello Again, It's been many moons since I posted an entry, but rest assured that the painting practice has continued.  Here is one from March 2012. For the past year,  I've been painting every Wednesday with Suzanne. It has been richly rewarding to paint side by side with the same theme, and yet some Wednesdays, I don't even look at hers until they are both attached to the wall of the altar and we start to dance.  I am the literal painter and she is the abstract painter. I am the outsider artist and she is a trained painter. A great sharing has occurred.  This painting shows how I have been influenced.  I used to cover all the white paper with paint and think I was done.  Now I can layer the paint and add some depth.  Like?

MAGIC

EXTEMPORANEOUS

Make + Shift

PAINTING PROCESS

COLOR :  MOMENT : TIME

dance * awareness * boundary

SHIFT + ATTENTION + CONTAINER

EXTEMPORANEOUS:  Carried out or performed with little or no preparation.  IMPROMPTU

Unrehearsed performance

the paintings reflect

LIVELINESS

process

PASSAGE OF TIME

layers

inner spark

Inner Spark.

April 25, 2012

I stopped by Flying Colors today in Berkeley on 7th street.  I went in and asked for Michele. She designs libraries and I spoke with her before I accepted my current job.  I knew her from taking the Painting Experience out in the Avenues in SF in 1988. she and her husband David and I would drive over from Emeryville together for a few weeks.

I hadn't seen David in over 20 years and he came out and said Michele wasn't there and could he help me.  Then he recognized me and we sat down and talked.  He had just spent one month in Hawaii.  I showed him my paintings on my phone.  He is lovely.  Sold the  business and they are going to move to Hawaii and live where they feel at peace.  He thanked me for sharing my paintings. He felt it was evident that they were painted by someone with life force.   They are a gift to the world from  my soul.  From my attention to my intention.  I am exploring an idea through the paint.  the imagery i feel compeled to repeat is bodies alive. Bodies stoking the Goddess. Bodies honoring the Hero.  Bodies channeling Life Force. I hope that when someone looks at an image of the painting or the painting itself, they get a split second of appreciation for being alive.

And now for something totally different