Road Trip!

We are off to southern California today for spring break. Joshua Tree here we come. We'll be celebrating Passover as our people did thousands of years ago, free in the desert eating stale matzoh under a full moon and grateful for all that we have.
I'm hoping for some quiet and rejuvenation. Then we meet my family in Palm Desert for bike riding, some golf (Aunt Debbie's influence) and relaxation. Last year in Death Valley at this time was spectacular and Seymour and Kathryn had met us there and we all enjoyed it. So here we go again, loaded down with bicycles, camping gear and way too much stuff...Life is Good!

Dance Medicine

Got back into my paint dance routine last night, yet almost ruined it. I mistakenly took a phone call right as I was leaving the house to go into the studio. It was my Dad's good friend, Dr. P, who at 82 has been an oncologist specializing in breast cancer for 50 years. I had faxed him the pathology report the day before at my Dad's request and he launched right into saying I needed to have a biopsy done on my right breast as well, but should consider a double mastectomy because cosmetically it would look better if done at the same time, etc. I was somewhat taken aback and said he was way ahead of me. I was still basking in my good news of negative nodes and Stage I. Long story short, he thinks Kaiser is over simplifying the pathology report. Other hospitals consider Individual tumor cells found in the lymph node as positive, and others consider cancer cells within 2 mm of the margins as "not clean" (Kaiser's standard is within 1mm) and maybe others stage cancer as an aggregate of the tumor sizes. The conversation was very upsetting and I had unintentionally insulted him, as if kicking a gift horse in the mouth. I was on a deadline.

In the studio I was able to let that go and think about the theme from Eva...one's body and all it's parts. Parts that you may be happy or not happy with, parts that may hurt or not feel right, all the parts that make up our body. I feel I need to make peace with the cancer that was in/is in my body, trust the Dr's processes and my own decision making, grok the reality of scars, bruises and poison medicine. I need to find a balance of reality and hope, optimism and pragmatism. My body balanced in peace, that would be nice.

The dance was just where I needed to be. I was able to drop in and breathe into every muscle. I was able to stretch my arm and ask it's permission to go farther. I babied it, to be sure, but I also let it flow with my moves. It felt fantastic. My dancing partners were sensitive to my injury and yet I was able to find my strength and groove with my usual intensity and passion. I even got a few fabulous spins in. Today I have way more range of motion with my arm and I feel great! Thank you Eva and the Core Conexion community. I feel loved and worthy in my dance, and with gratitude, it's seeping into my waking life.

Stage I

Met with the oncologist today and it's good news. She said having Individual Tumor Cells in your lymph nodes is still considered lymph node negative, so she ordered the Oncotype DX test, which will give us more info whether chemo will be worthwhile or not, and if so, only 3 months worth (instead of 6). Radiation of 5 weeks daily is a given and Tamoxin taken orally for 5 years is likely. Although there were 3 lumps, they stage by the size of the largest, which was 2cm (instead of the aggregate of 3.5cm) so mine is considered Stage I with negative nodes. It doesn't sound as bad as a double mastectomy that was suggested on the first day of diagnosis.
So I was told to go back to dance tomorrow and start stretching my arm. No swimming yet, but I've been walking a lot.
We can all breathe a little easier, the future seems bright again...a few months of treatment instead of a whole year with both breasts still with me. Psychologically, I feel relieved.
Thanks again for all your support, it's powerful to know that people can influence the vibrations of the universe on my behalf (pray for me)
We made a sacrafice last week (Aaron and my bike got stolen on Thursday from our shed) so hopefully this will cover the oncotype DX test to give me a rating that suggests no chemo at all, but I don't want to be piggish ;)

Confusing

I am anxiously awaiting to meet the oncologist tomorrow, Dr. Thomas, Tues the 23rd at 11am. I received the pathology written report and it's confusing. It turns out I have a mixture of invasive and noninvasive ductal carcinoma. The aggregate size of the three tumors is 3.5 cm.
The margin is close but clear. There were a total of 3 nodes removed and in two of them there were isolated tumor cells. Dr. Thomas will explain what all this means. Not sure if it means the nodes are negative or positive, which determines chemo option. The Chemo option is all about probability and survival statistics. If I have a 1 in 10 chance of having a reoccurence within 5 years (which would not be good for overall life span projection) would I take that chance or not? If I qualify for the Oncotype DX test, how long does that take?
My recovery from the surgery is slow going. Not yet able to dance or swim, feeling bruised and swollen, but any denial that I have cancer is gone. It was hard swimming a mile and believing I had cancer at the same time, but now I get it.
Today I became a mother 15 years ago. It's Aaron birthday. He is a fine young man, handsome and smart, but oh what a daily challenge to keep up with, like him saying he'll be home at 6:30 and then not showing up until 8 with some lame excuse....ummm and him wondering what I'm so uptight about?
love you, Lauren

Now open for comments

I just figured out how to allow comments on my blog, whether you are registered or not, so please feel free to leave me a message, I'd love to hear from you and what you're doing or thinking about.

Interesting

Today Leon and I met with my surgeon. The final pathology report is not ready, but she was able to report that there were actually 3 lumps very close to each other and not just 2. The margins around them were negative (really good) and the extra core samples taken from the other side of my breast were negative (also really good) BUT, she had taken 3 lymph nodes from under the arm. One was the sentinel node and the other two had looked swollen. Two of the 3 have errant individual cancer cells. They are not grouped into tumors, so this is good, but still. So I am waiting for the oncologist to call with an appointment to discuss having the Oncotype DX test done (a $3500 test of your cells that rate your improved survival chances over 10 years if you do have chemo) I'll need more info to make that call. Chemo is such a nasty proposition, but then having these cells grow into tumors isn't so appealing either. Radiation is in my future, 5 weeks daily, but that would come after chemo. Dr. O'Neal wants to leave mastectomy as an option as well, depending on what the report says.
So it's not worst case, which is somewhat of a relief, but the net remedy could be just as extreme.
It's paint dance night, but the lack of sleep and new info has whipped me. Dr. said I could dance if I didn't move my arm and wore two sport bras...a little too challenging for me right now. I'll stay home and read my new breast cancer book! I feel loved, and love to all.

Worth reading

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/15/with-cancer-lets-face-it-words-are-inadequate/

Just today someone asked me if it was the good kind of cancer. That's the 3rd or 4th time and I still don't know the answer, I have no idea what they are referring to.
I've also pondered the phrase "battle against cancer"
Last Wednesday after dance, in a hug with Eva, she said "the war is over." Somehow that resonated with me, cancer seems more like a surrender.

Doodle

Hello community. We are awaiting the pathology report that is supposed to be ready tomorrow. My devoted sistah left yesterday (the house is clean and all the laundry is done, thank goodness, because the water heater sprang a leak as she left for the airport) and for that alone I am very grateful. I'm feeling better, my cold is subsiding, the pain is diminishing.
Thank you for your calls, I'm sorry I can't take them all. I am tired of talking when I don’t yet have the full story, and as you all know, I’m someone who loves to sweep, fold laundry and do dishes while chatting on the phone. But what is there to say? I’m scared, I’m exhausted, I’m overwhelmed and it’s a wake up call to change my inner world, from one of stress and problems, to one of inner peace and faith. Tall order for anyone, extra challenging for me. Living with the unpredictability of each moment; from Ezri’s non cooperation for the simplest of requests to all of our struggles with order and patience, is very taxing.
So thank you for your concern and your prayers, I am becoming a believer. My Doctor, whom I trust on many levels, has been fear based from day one and had me believing worst case was to be expected. It took a lot to release that and trust that worst case is not a given, and I feel it’s been the power of prayer that is giving me a chance to not let that be so.

Hi friends,
thanks for the flowers and calls and food that has been offered to us. I've been well taken care of these last couple of days. The surgery went well, no cancer seen in the lymph nodes, but that will be confirmed on Wednesday with the pathology report, so I'm still waiting to exhale on that little piece of info that impacts a whole lot. The weather this weekend was glorious, but I stayed inside and watched The Titanic for the first time. What a wonderful diversion, now I know what all the fuss had been about. Also saw Sunshine Cleaners and Julie/Julia, it's fun to escape into the movies. Tonight we'll watch Up in the Air, and we have 3 more episodes of Mad Men to watch...yipee. Love you all, thanks for all the support. Aside from some tenderness, lots of cold congestion and being tired, I feel great.

March 12th @ 8pm.

To all here is the Lauren's update.. We arrived at Kaiser today 8:15am ....She has a cold, first she was checked out by one doctor to make sure she would be good to go for the lumpectomy.....he gave her the green light to proceed. After the 'iodnie tracker injection we moved into the pre-prep room with more RN's coming and going, started the 'drip IV'....and waited until 11:30am before she was taken into surgery.. Lauren was in surgery for about 2 hrs. Doctor came out and told us that the lymph nodes under her arm pit seem to be clear of cancer !!!!!! and the 2nd cancerous lump on her breast they cannot determine yet if that one is in her lymph nodes or not until 'Wednesday' when the pathology report comes out. She has a doctor appt that day as well. She had a hard time coming out of recovery....finally 4.5 hours later we were on our way home...She is sound asleep now in the comfort of her own bed and bed.

Ezri & Aaron are sleeping over at friends tonight.....

PLEASE keep your PRAYERS going for the next step of that 2nd lump not being in her lymph nodes....AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL FOR your thoughts , love and calls today and PRAYERS.....

Feel free to call me directly on my cell #480.216.5387.....she is thankful for all your love and support...but too she is too tired to talk to anyone.....

Love,

Her "Sistha" Debbie......

WE appreciate everyone's love and support and all the phone calls that came into Lauren's cell phone today, but I could not figure out her phone...so I truly apology for all the missed calls!!! I am far from Teckie.

Theme: Compassion.

In the process of painting this, it was moment to moment, the ultimate in painting satisfaction.

Last nights dance was wonderful, so much love and support, what a strong and generous community I am a part of . I am so grateful and thankful.

Tomorrow I have the lumpectomy surgery, in at 8:30am, surgery at 10:30 and by 12:30 we'll know if my lymph nodes are infected. I'm praying for a miracle, but if not, I have to stay in the hospital overnight, get a drain and forgo getting wet for 2-3 weeks with a course of Chemo guaranteed. Yikes.

Thanks for your prayers and good wishes. Even my Dad said he'd pray for me and that would make a first for him in 85 years! It was great to hear him say it :)

Last night's theme was Encountering Resistance, which happens more often than I'd like in my life. This painting is the reminder to pray and breathe into resistance.

2nd Opinion

Hillary and I met with Dr. Lagios, an independent pathologist specializing in breast cancer 2nd opinions. His analysis on the biopsy slides from Kaiser were the same, a nice confirmation, but his interpretation of the MRI was different than the radiologist I had met with. The report says the 2nd lump is a lymph node and that what I have is invasive ductal carcinoma with lobular features, the most common kind. Dr. Lagios' demeanor was less sensational and fear based and more....hmmm....what exactly I can't pin point, maybe calm and straight forward?. Kaiser has said that if a lymph node is infected, chemo is a must. Dr. Lagios says that if you have 3 or less lymph nodes infected, you can test the oncotype and find out more accurately how your cancer would respond to chemo and it might not be worth doing. Kaiser said if a lymph node is infected they don't test the oncotype, so we'll see. He also reassured me that the sensations I'm now feeling in my breast are a result of the core biopsy and that one wants the lumpectomy within 8-12 weeks of discovery and mine will be 6 weeks. Over the weekend I was thinking maybe I should've signed on for surgery today instead of waiting until the 12th. He also confirmed that I didn't want to have chemo to shrink the tumors before surgery, which I was stressing about this morning. So, as they say, information is power and I'm feeling the strength to come through this. When the Watsue masseuse first held me in the water at Harbin Hot Springs, I felt I was going to be okay, and now I believe it. Whew, it feels good to turn the corner on that :) thanks for all of your support!