In the Darkness

As the sun set yesterday at 4:57pm with an incredible display of wispy clouds and swaths of intense colors, I entered my studio and painted my heart and emotion in the deep colors of the season.

When I arrived at the hall, Kathleen's altar was white and wispy, with no color, as if the darkness drained it all away. And yet may of the dancers were wearing the colors in the painting, and it all came together beautifully, yet again.

Birds of Paradise (sold)

 I was in Long Beach this weekend and had a couple of hours to ride a bike along the beach. These striking plants love the Southern California climate, and I remembered having them in our yard growing up. Their heads poke up from a mass of leaves with their nose in the air and a fantastic blue antennae probing forward.  

The Magician

May you conjour up Magic to delight and surprise

Trust Myself

I didn't have time to paint on Wednesday, so I offered to bring a painting from "stock".  My teacher wrote back, "Bring what you have.. One big one would be great. The Hierophant... The one who walks the mystical path with practical feet."

I looked at paintings from years back, and selected two that struck me as hierophants.  When I parked the car at dance, I hesitated bringing both paintings in, as I was supposed to bring only one, but I figured since I them I'll take both in.  As always, it was uncanny, Kathleen had created a beautiful Altar set up ideally for two paintings!

The one on the left is,

"Dial a new attitude"

The one on the right is

 "The one who walks the mystical path with practical feet, 

always tethered to the center of the earth for grounding and sustenance" 

Listening

               To myself, and

To my surroundings,

To the song that rises from this moment

   in which I am contained -

These dances rise up inside of me

    and spin out beneath me,

And it's as if I stand back, inside myself

               and observe....

Available to constant flow and change,

I can balance

                   at the edge of the unknown,

               and experience fearlessness.

Eva Karczag (dancer, choreographer, teacher)

What IS

Sometimes things are hard, they just don't flow easily, as was the case with this painting.  But now, a week later, I can see that this painting has a lot of depth. Life is like that. Difficult things can be a gift.

The Fool

The theme for dance last week was the archetype of "The Fool." In some esoteric Tarot decks, the Fool is shown as a young man, walking unknowingly toward the brink of a precipice, which is what I had intended.  The image presented itself on the edge, grazed by the fire, but with the help of many arms, is securely balanced, using the energy from above and the tether below.

Sweetness

May you find serenity even when everything seems to be falling apart

UP Close and FAR Away (sold)

 Tomorrow we are taking my son to Montana State University in Bozeman.  Time to leave the nest.  The hard part will be leaving him there and driving 926 miles away. 

Effortless (sold)

The Smile of the Divine..Happy Birthdays

No life,

then Birth into my body, 

my Life,

then Death,

and then back to...

No life

We come into a body and we live in it as long as we can. We take care of it to the best of our abilities. When it begins to feel compromised, and maybe even gets sick, we are awakened to our body's decline and ultimate impermanence. 

While I still can, I channel the life force coming thru me...I open myself as a conduit of energy from the universe above and the earth below, as if I am suspended between the two. 

I am a bunch of molecules flowing like a flame, burning the energy coming through me. My body is the wick.

Tethered to the center of the earth. I squat into it, thighs engaged, legs bent, center of gravity pulling thru my cervix to meet the earths energy rising to meet me. I cultivate this tether, to keep it strong. It is with me wherever I go on the earth. I stoke it through the music in my dance.

As gravity is pulling me down, my chest is opening toward the heavens, my lungs fill with breath, my arms outstretch wide and my heart fills with love.  I am vulnerable, yet safe.  I can trust each moment as it comes...I kvell knowing the good fortune I embody.

The sun shines not on us, but in us. 

The rivers flow not past but through us. 

Nature was made not just of us, 

but of itself and its own happiness,

 and is the very smile of the divine. 

John Muir

When I am taut

I feel balanced

When I am supported

I feel free

When I am cared for

I feel secure

When I am heard

I feel confident

When I am witnessed

I feel loved

An Ear for Listening

LISTENING

What is the deep listening? Sama is
a greeting from the secret ones inside

the heart, a letter. The branches of
your intelligence grow new leaves in

the wind of this listening. The body
reaches a peace. Rooster sound comes,

reminding you of your love for dawn.
The reed flute and the singer's lips:

the knack of how spirit breathes into
us becomes as simple and ordinary as

eating and drinking. The dead rise with
the pleasure of listening. If someone

can't hear a trumpet melody, sprinkle
dirt on his head and declare him dead.

Listen, and feel the beauty of your
separation, the unsayable absence.

There's a moon inside every human being.
Learn to be companions with it. Give

more of your life to this listening. As
brightness is to time, so you are to

the one who talks to the deep ear in
your chest. I should sell my tongue

and buy a thousand ears when that
one steps near and begins to speak.

— Jalal al-Din Rumi (1207-1273)
The Glance: Songs of Soul-Meeting
translated by Coleman Barks

In the Flow

The Universe is saying:
"Allow me to flow through you unrestricted
and you will see the greatest magic,
you have ever seen. "
Klaus Joehle

This poem, that Eva had sent out, inspired my painting, and when I arrived at dance to include it in the altar, it fit perfectly!  Uncanny.
The previous day I had gone on a field trip with the 5th graders to the Lawrence Berkeley Lab and we did experiments testing the conductivity of heat and electrical current through different metals. This painting shows the conductivity of life force through our being.

6th Chakra: Perception

The 6th Chakra is behind the eyes.  Referred to as the 3rd eye, it is the seat of perception.  What if we close our eyes, stop talking, and imagine we can perceive information through our "mind's eye?"

 

5th Chakra. Throat. Creativity, Communications

The dance class is a collaboration.  The altar design was spectacular last night and again, it's uncanny how my painting fit in perfectly.  I open to Eva's lead, exploring the 5th Chakra of communication, creativity, and connection.   Dancers are happy, alive and dropped in and jamming, by themselves and with each other.  I spent two hours letting the energy dance me like a flame...with it's flow, its rhythm, it's beat, and it's "other dimension" that lifts and shakes my body, opening up meridians and aligning chakras, while letting the life force energy burn through me.  Like a self cleaning oven, the crud is burned off and I become a channel that flows fully.  It's aerobic, it's grounded, it's breathe....it's fast, it's taut, it's slow...and it comes from deep within me. I can trust myself each moment.

The Heart is the 4th Chakra

This is the Heart Chakra and the color is green.
The heart is the unconditional and accepting presence which lives at the core of all of us - that part of us that is  unhurt and full of love.  It may be open and offering at times, and it may be small and protected at times, but if we are alive, it is always there.

My Love Poem

The spirit that comes through me is as divine as the rising sun.

Through out the day, as the light brightens,

my desire and my will 

coalesce into power:

taut with life, 

offering love, 

open to receive.

Tethered to the core,

suspended from above,

I trust myself in each moment.

Second Chakra

. 

This week we are discovering the qualities of the 2^nd Chakra.

In Sanskrit, the second chakra is called Svadisthana, which translates as "one's own place or base," Trying to influence the outer world is not the province of the second chakra. Instead of demanding that our body or a relationship be different, the second chakra encourages us to feel the feelings that arise as we open to life just as it is. As we allow ourselves to accept what is, we taste the sweetness (and bittersweetness) of life. When we relax our resistance to life, our hips let go, our reproductive organs become less tense, and we're open to experiencing our sensuality and sexuality.

A different yet familar dancing crowd

Tonight I went to Valerie's Soul Motion class on Monday evenings in the same hall I dance in on Wednesdays with Core Connexion.  It was packed.  There were too many people for me to look at, so I covered my eyes with my scarf and found a tiny spot on the floor to lay down and drop into my self.

I expel all the breath in my lungs and pull my stomach muscles tight.  I inhale breath through my limbs, exhale breath along my muscles and inhale breath to open up my joints and strengthen my core, cultivating attention along the way.  

Where my breath goes, heat follows. This is how I warm up.   

Valerie acknowledged how crowded it was and asked us to slow down and feel the presence of the other dancers instead of creating stories based on how people look.  With that suggestion, the room opened up, we all slowed down and dropped into ourselves and each other.  "Dropping in" is learning to ride the music energy flow without much thought.  It's a vacation from thinking and an invitation to be 3 dimensional in space without words.  I love being big in the world on the dance floor, but tonight was a challenge to be big while staying compact.  It was fun to experience who I am a new set of people.  Towards the end, a young woman, a "same-sizer", came right in front of me, so close and open, as if she was asking for me.  I  took the invitation and met her, twirled her, grooved with her.  I pressed myself against her back to lift our arms high above our heads, her chest and mine opening, channeling the Goddess that is every woman.  What a gift.

Elixir: : a substance held capable of changing base metals into gold: a substance held capable of prolonging life indefinitely!

This painting sizzled.  I had the urge to paint figures with less than half an hour before the painting was expected on the wall of the Altar for the dance class at 7 pm.  I quickly outlined the dancers in flesh color and left them unattended until I finished the flowing wash of bright colors the figures were swimming through.  My time was running out so I took a risk to paint them out black as silhouettes.  No time to think, just paint.  I needed to delineate the woman's chin to show she was tossing her head back, opening up her chest and feeling the life force energy flowing through her. It was exhilarating!  We ran out of there with the paint still wet.  I couldn't wait to stand back and see it from a distance. It was sizzling when I put it on the wall and the response from my fellow dancers was immediate. It rocked the house.
As I danced with my friends throughout the evening I felt as if a self cleaning oven, burning out the crud and letting the rich mixture of life force channel through me at full throttle, as an elixir : a substance held capable of prolonging life indefinitely!

the Body Language of Power

I have had a big bosom since I was in high school, and I feel I have lived my whole life with my chest concave, not wanting to draw attention to my bust. Then for years spending hours at a time on the computer, doing dishes, driving around and even breast feeding two babies, I felt like I was caving in on myself, although I didn't realize this until I started dancing over 10 years ago.  That first night at dance I threw my arms back and opened up my chest.  I felt empowered.  I've evolved into a big arm dancer, willingly opening up my carriage to the world.  It turns out this is a position of power and can change your life.  Check out the TED talk on body language by Amy Cuddy. She suggests that taking this power position for 2 minutes before a meeting, will change your chemistry.  Testosterone and Cortisol will increase and you really will be more powerful!

New Year 2013, New Horizons

New Horizons

 

I spent the first day of the new year with P.  She said "getting cancer is like a perverse slap in the face to wake up to your own life".  One can a diagnosis of cancer, go through the treatments, and choose to not change one thing about your life and hope for the best.  OR...one can see it as a wake up call to reflect on how you might find a better balance of lifestyle to strengthen your immune system and cultivate your passions. 

We gave ourselves the gift of time to just be. No agenda.  The low sun rays were streaming through the windows as the sky changed colors and the sun got closer to the Golden Gate Bridge.  As the sun began to blind us, we stood in front of the window and raised our arms, opened our hearts to the breath of life and asked the ancestors for a low Oncotype DX score so P can skip chemotherapy.  If you don't ask, how will they know what you need?  

Mountain Countenance

I went with my friend to the oncologist to hear what the pathology report said after her lumpectomy.  It was a different experience to be the support person and not the patient, and I was overwhelmed with how grateful I am that I have family and friends to support me. It was a gift to go with her and offer my ears and understanding.  As we were sitting across from the Dr with his desk piled high with important papers and his walls covered with art from patients and his own photographs, I remembered how hard it was to wrap my head around the many scenarios of "IF this Then...." or "If this Then....".  Whether to have a second surgery to get clean margins or to have a mastectomy and remove the habitat.  He said more information is needed so he will send her tumor sample for the Onkatype DX test.  This expensive test compares your tumor markers with a data base of others to give you a risk score from 1-100 and  can help you decide whether you will choose Chemotherapy or not. I had a low score and choose to skip Chemo.  How lucky I felt 2.5 years ago and how I hope and pray she gets a low score...(plus she has beautiful hair :)  But when discussing the rates of recurrence and the probability of having it return in her bones or my brain, let alone a breast, I was reminded that Breast Cancer can kill me and now her. I know that sounds silly, because we all know women who left behind small children and great lives because their breast cancer went out of control, and we all know how a crazy gunman can take away your life with no notice, but it reminds me of the daily challenge to live in the present yet plan for the future. I am oh so grateful to have made it past my 53rd birthday and past my son's 17th and 10th birthdays.  Each day is a gift, yet I forget and get angry because the house is a mess or lights were left on.

This painting is from last year, Strong Like A Mountain, and I realized in the Oncologist office, that I can let the wind sway me, the water move me, the sun warm me, but let the mountain remind me that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.

Negative Space (sold)

Another friend of mine now has Breast Cancer.  She has a big job, two kids, a partner who isn't always on top of things and she financially carries the family.  I met with her in the park and we hugged and cried, remembering what an ordeal surgery and treatment were for me as she faces her own journey.   I remembered what Angeles Arrien had said in the Gratitude workshop...."focus on what IS working".  My friend texted me a few days later and said "focusing on what's working..its like working with negative space..it reveals itself if you avail yourself."  It's been said that you tell people things you need to hear yourself.  That is the truth on this one.  What IS working is there for everyone to see, but often invisible to those closest to it.  I came home embraced my family, and felt grateful to be able to support my beautiful friend.

Home from the Tropics

I took the boys to Puerto Vallarta over Thanksgiving to join my cousins at Villa Celeste, a beautiful home facing the ocean with a stepped pool at the beach.  We swam before breakfast, after breakfast, upon returning back from excursions, before dinner and then after dinner. I was a mermaid. The moon was waxing, the temperature was in the 80's and I could walk along the beach, watch the tide pools fill and empty with the rythym of the waves or jump in the warm ocean and feel the strong currents. I was relaxed and happy, enjoying the visual delight of the art and textiles.  We went south and took a water taxi toYelapa and spent another day climbing through the botanical gardens amidst the exotic leaves.

Upon my return, the theme from Eva for dance on Wednesday was trees...how roots go deep and have mountain countenance while leaves sway in the wind and are released.

Now for something totally different...

the theme was Be Yourself. So I began with nothing in mind, just started dragging paint across the surface and letting it drip. I love to do this. It reminds me of big sky and horizons off in the distance.  I layered and dripped, layered and dripped. 

Whew...and my gift to strangers

I had my bi-annual mammogram today and although I don't have the formal radiology report, there seemed to be nothing of interest on the images.  Whew.  Every six months I find this combo mammogram/Dr. visit nerve wracking. .  After you have your turn in a room getting your breast squashed between two cold plexiglass plates, you remain in the light cotton wrap sitting in a waiting room to see if they need more images taken.   There were three other women in this inner sactum, and we were all at varying stages of the breast cancer experience.  One women was 19 years out, another just getting a Fine Needle Aspiration, the first step to see if there are cancer cells in a new found lump.  I handed the three women one of my painting mini-cards.  A bright little image emmanating life force.  It felt wonderful and somehow liberating to offer my images to strangers.  They were delighted. When I came out the 2nd time (I was called back in for more images because my scar, coupled with my dense breast tissue, obscures the area of the original tumor site, making it hard to detect new lumps) there were two new women deep in conversation. When one was called in to have her mammography, the other seemed crushed to be separated and left behind.  I retrieved my belongings from the locker and dressed in the changing room. On my way out, I handed the lone women two mini-cards and said "here is an offering for you and your friend."  The women took them, looked at each one, and then looked at me with surprise and big smile and said "thank you."  It was a random act of kindness and felt incredibly gratifying.  It seemed the right place to hand out my painting cards to strangers.

  

KINDNESS

OPEN to Gratitude

I spent last weekend in the presence of and listening to anthropologist Angeles Arrien in a workshop on Gratitude at the Mount Madonna Center in Watsonville.  She is a lovely woman with an open heart. To sit in her presence and hear her speak was magical.

I hadn't been at dance for two weeks due to Yom Kippor, (another experience atoning and cleansing of the past year while sitting in community). So when I entered the dance hall, put my painting up, and saw Eva, I told her "I feel I'm a different person than I was when I was here two weeks ago."  That statement popped out of my mouth, and I'm still not sure why.

The dance theme from Eva was "Be in the space/room NOW"   But after having this painting witnessed on the Altar for 2 hours, someone suggested the title...OPEN.  It sums up my experience of gratitude...that I can open my heart to myself and others.  That I can be protected and still offer compassion instead of judgement.

Returning

Swan: Returning to Nature

Our painting practice has commenced again after the summer break when Eva was in Europe.  I trusted myself and painted with joy, and the image emerged flowing from my heart through my arm to the tip of the brush. 

Stuck...Release

Can you see the word NOW in the painting?

All sides of Me

Hello Again, It's been many moons since I posted an entry, but rest assured that the painting practice has continued.  Here is one from March 2012. For the past year,  I've been painting every Wednesday with Suzanne. It has been richly rewarding to paint side by side with the same theme, and yet some Wednesdays, I don't even look at hers until they are both attached to the wall of the altar and we start to dance.  I am the literal painter and she is the abstract painter. I am the outsider artist and she is a trained painter. A great sharing has occurred.  This painting shows how I have been influenced.  I used to cover all the white paper with paint and think I was done.  Now I can layer the paint and add some depth.  Like?

MAGIC

EXTEMPORANEOUS

Make + Shift

PAINTING PROCESS

COLOR :  MOMENT : TIME

dance * awareness * boundary

SHIFT + ATTENTION + CONTAINER

EXTEMPORANEOUS:  Carried out or performed with little or no preparation.  IMPROMPTU

Unrehearsed performance

the paintings reflect

LIVELINESS

process

PASSAGE OF TIME

layers

inner spark

Inner Spark.

April 25, 2012

I stopped by Flying Colors today in Berkeley on 7th street.  I went in and asked for Michele. She designs libraries and I spoke with her before I accepted my current job.  I knew her from taking the Painting Experience out in the Avenues in SF in 1988. she and her husband David and I would drive over from Emeryville together for a few weeks.

I hadn't seen David in over 20 years and he came out and said Michele wasn't there and could he help me.  Then he recognized me and we sat down and talked.  He had just spent one month in Hawaii.  I showed him my paintings on my phone.  He is lovely.  Sold the  business and they are going to move to Hawaii and live where they feel at peace.  He thanked me for sharing my paintings. He felt it was evident that they were painted by someone with life force.   They are a gift to the world from  my soul.  From my attention to my intention.  I am exploring an idea through the paint.  the imagery i feel compeled to repeat is bodies alive. Bodies stoking the Goddess. Bodies honoring the Hero.  Bodies channeling Life Force. I hope that when someone looks at an image of the painting or the painting itself, they get a split second of appreciation for being alive.

And now for something totally different

Autumn Release

Some paintings are a struggle and some paintings just flow. This one flowed and then while dancing and seeing it on the altar, I saw how the leaves fall and go into the soil and become seeds to begin the life cycle again. Soothing.

Finding your center

Theme: Finding your center when you and everything around you is changing. We visit this theme in different ways from time to time and it's fun to see what comes through.

Back at it

My dance teacher, Eva, was in Germany for the summer and I was enjoying the dance in Sausalito for a change of space and energy. So I wasn't painting regularly. Now I'm back at it and want to share what has emerged. The theme was "subtle transformation" and it coincided with the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashana. I went to services at Chochmat Halev in Berkeley. As always, it was beautiful and inspiring. To sit in a big space with high ceilings and look around and see familiar faces creates a sense of awe. How often are we in spaces with hundreds of people to sing and pray to return to our soul? With Chochmat Halev we celebrate the Spirit and with reverence and gratitude ask to be written into the book of Life for another year. All the more precious since having cancer.

Summer Solstice

It's pouring rain out as if its October...very strange. The theme was summer soltice. I had painted a sun in 09 that I never liked, so i just painted over the center with a fresh design.

Dreaming out of your mind

The theme was Dreaming...dreaming out of your mind.
I cut a big piece of paper and imagined I would paint a big head and chest and have the background dark and forbidding and have the inside of the person come alive with color and swirl and hallucenations, but I pulled out a painting from just a few weeks ago and realized I'd recently painted something similar. (see MAY 5th Inner Resources)
So tonight I did something I'd never done before...I made a template..I drew a figure on watercolor paper and cut it out and then traced it with a small paint brush, the first one centered on the bottom of the page, the next one opposite and on top, then left, right and infill until there were eight figures hand to hand. I painted the center yellow, around their heads, where the dreaming connection takes place.

Anyone ever read "the King of Ata are Waiting for You" by Dorothy Bryant? The island is inhabited by deceptively primitive people where every aspect of their waking lives is governed by their dream life. They slept in dream circles and considered the dream world their reality and waking world the support world.

I had just spent 3 days in Mendocino, including an afternoon at the botanical gardens! the rhododendrums and the azaleas are in bloom and are so large and saturated in color..reds and purples.

The painting has many layers, you can see different things depending on the focus. Someone said he saw big fish heads taking a bite and making the center star, many people did not see that the blue ring were figures. I find that satisfying.

Dreaming 5-25-11

Another amazing night of dance. Toward the end of the evening with tribal drumming music blasting, a spontaneous dance circle formed and we took turns in the center. The rythmn was fast and it was as if we had decorative war paint on our faces and grass skirts on our hips. I couldn't stop moving, vibrating, and smiling.
The theme was "Dreaming...the dance is our body dreaming."
I had wanted to paint a head with all kinds of images floating out in dreamland, but I realized I needed to paint a whole body.
The dancer is moving through her dreams as light as a feather.
I became aware of my own style, that I like to blend the colors and paint breath into all parts. Laura did the warm up sequence last night and asked us to imagine our bodies filled with fluid...and that is what I paint. Fluid bodies moving through space....dreamy!

Suspended in the NOW upside down...Flying!

When I got to dance, Kathleen the Altar designer, chose to hang the painting upside down...which I loved! The "flyer" looks untethered and free! The support figure is open handed, and the flyer isn't dependent on him, she is flying all on her own!

Suspended in the NOW

The theme was "NOW". That everything in life has brought us to this moment. I was thinking that when my dance partner spins me around, I am very aware that I am flying through space, and that I must sense the lift and trust that when the momentum is waning, I will twist around and land on my feet. What could be more "in the moment" than that?

Freedom

Altar Image