Just a body

Yesterday I went for the radiation verification appointment. It was to confirm that the tatooes, stickers, and target markings placed on my body last week do in fact line me up for where the radiation beams needs to go. I was expecting to be shown a diagram of how the rays were going to hit my breast and how much would be going through my chest, but when I asked the three technicians for that they looked like deer in headlights. I was told that I will be seeing the Dr. on Wednesdays and to ask for that then, and did I want to wait for that before proceeding? Well it's not like I'm going to review the information and make my own recommendations, but it seemed legitimate to me to want to know what the percentage of "over spray" to my lungs and heart there might be. The breast cancer bible, Dr. Susan Love's book, says the doctors will discuss that with you. Not wanting to upset the schedule, I consented to lay down and get verified. Once I was in position, they took an X-ray and showed it to the Dr for his approval. With it, they asked if I wanted the first dose then and there. Why not? I was all set and it saves a trip on the back end, so the radiation has begun. I had to lay still for 30 minutes, which isn't that hard given the deep exhaustion I now live with. I can bring my ipod, although I must choose a track carefully because no finger movements allowed.

It made me feel like a casualty, just one of many women who go through this, another medical record number to undress, lay down, get in, line up, clear the room and ZAP. Afterwards, while driving home, I realized how lucky I am. The equipment is expensive and state of the art, the building is only a year old, the technicians are highly trained and the doctors are there to help. I have to remind myself that I have CANCER and that this is to prevent it from growing and killing me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but being asymptomatic, cancer is a snarky disease, psychologically and biologically.

The steri-strips are still on my scar, and I expected them to be removed, but not so. I hope the scar isn't burned and darkened because of it, but I was assured that 3 weeks after surgery is enough healing time. Later I went for accupuncture and promptly fell asleep on the table while the needles were stimulating my meridians. She recommended an herbal burn cream which I applied last night. It has a great texture, but every time I turned over in my sleep I kept wondering what that smell was, and by morning I relunctantly realized it smells somewhat like an ash tray. Oh well. Thanks to the 2nd surgery, my radiation is 16 doses instead of 28, so my radiation is minimal. I'll be going every day for the next 4 weeks, but that's it. Then Tamoxifen for 5 years. Not having to endure Chemo is a gift I try and remember everyday.

At Ezri's baseball game on Sunday I chatted with the coach's wife. She went through this beginning 3 years ago, when her boys were 7 and 9. A mammogram had found a lump in her left breast and then an MRI found her right breast riddled with cancer. She had a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction surgery and now they want her ovaries removed. She volunteered to take me to my first appointment (which I thought was today.) I took her up on it (I would love the company) gave her my address, and then she asked me my name! I can't tell you how much that means to me. "Support" is taking on a whole new dimension. Thanks for all of yours.