Tamoxifen

Yesterday I finally took my first Tamoxifen pill, one down 1824 more to go (5 years worth.) I had been putting it off, waiting to feel "normal" after the radiation treatment, or at least regain my stamina, but that was asking a lot. It was 5 months to the day I was diagnosed and it being July 4th and all, I put the pill in my pocket and left for E's baseball game. Sitting in the bleachers around noon, I quietly took it. It was that simple, and yet so complex. The thought of slamming into menopause and joining the ranks of hot flashers has been hanging over my head, it feels like the final end to my youth, in one easy swallow. The opportunity to slide gracefully into the next phase of womanhood while still parenting an 8 year old is not an option, because I really don't want more cancer to deal with. So side effects, depending on my body's reaction, are the trade off.

A couple of hours later in conversation with another little league mom, she revealed her diagnosis date and time of day from two years ago, her choice of mastectomy and chemo, and her daily intake of Tamoxifen and a pill that keeps cancer from returning in your bones. (Interesting. She is on the faculty at the UC school of public health and upon her diagnosis, changed all her insurance so she could go to UCSF, citing it as the cutting edge in breast cancer research. They recommend the bone pill and a pelvic sonogram as a baseline for uterine cancer, one of the Tamoxifen side effects.) Aside from those juicy suggestions, what she said that really resonated with me, is that over a year later, she still has a hard time accepting menopause at 44.

"A hard time accepting." Yes. I am not alone.