Autumn Release

Some paintings are a struggle and some paintings just flow. This one flowed and then while dancing and seeing it on the altar, I saw how the leaves fall and go into the soil and become seeds to begin the life cycle again. Soothing.

Finding your center

Theme: Finding your center when you and everything around you is changing. We visit this theme in different ways from time to time and it's fun to see what comes through.

Back at it

My dance teacher, Eva, was in Germany for the summer and I was enjoying the dance in Sausalito for a change of space and energy. So I wasn't painting regularly. Now I'm back at it and want to share what has emerged. The theme was "subtle transformation" and it coincided with the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashana. I went to services at Chochmat Halev in Berkeley. As always, it was beautiful and inspiring. To sit in a big space with high ceilings and look around and see familiar faces creates a sense of awe. How often are we in spaces with hundreds of people to sing and pray to return to our soul? With Chochmat Halev we celebrate the Spirit and with reverence and gratitude ask to be written into the book of Life for another year. All the more precious since having cancer.

Summer Solstice

It's pouring rain out as if its October...very strange. The theme was summer soltice. I had painted a sun in 09 that I never liked, so i just painted over the center with a fresh design.

Dreaming out of your mind

The theme was Dreaming...dreaming out of your mind.
I cut a big piece of paper and imagined I would paint a big head and chest and have the background dark and forbidding and have the inside of the person come alive with color and swirl and hallucenations, but I pulled out a painting from just a few weeks ago and realized I'd recently painted something similar. (see MAY 5th Inner Resources)
So tonight I did something I'd never done before...I made a template..I drew a figure on watercolor paper and cut it out and then traced it with a small paint brush, the first one centered on the bottom of the page, the next one opposite and on top, then left, right and infill until there were eight figures hand to hand. I painted the center yellow, around their heads, where the dreaming connection takes place.

Anyone ever read "the King of Ata are Waiting for You" by Dorothy Bryant? The island is inhabited by deceptively primitive people where every aspect of their waking lives is governed by their dream life. They slept in dream circles and considered the dream world their reality and waking world the support world.

I had just spent 3 days in Mendocino, including an afternoon at the botanical gardens! the rhododendrums and the azaleas are in bloom and are so large and saturated in color..reds and purples.

The painting has many layers, you can see different things depending on the focus. Someone said he saw big fish heads taking a bite and making the center star, many people did not see that the blue ring were figures. I find that satisfying.

Dreaming 5-25-11

Another amazing night of dance. Toward the end of the evening with tribal drumming music blasting, a spontaneous dance circle formed and we took turns in the center. The rythmn was fast and it was as if we had decorative war paint on our faces and grass skirts on our hips. I couldn't stop moving, vibrating, and smiling.
The theme was "Dreaming...the dance is our body dreaming."
I had wanted to paint a head with all kinds of images floating out in dreamland, but I realized I needed to paint a whole body.
The dancer is moving through her dreams as light as a feather.
I became aware of my own style, that I like to blend the colors and paint breath into all parts. Laura did the warm up sequence last night and asked us to imagine our bodies filled with fluid...and that is what I paint. Fluid bodies moving through space....dreamy!

Suspended in the NOW upside down...Flying!

When I got to dance, Kathleen the Altar designer, chose to hang the painting upside down...which I loved! The "flyer" looks untethered and free! The support figure is open handed, and the flyer isn't dependent on him, she is flying all on her own!

Suspended in the NOW

The theme was "NOW". That everything in life has brought us to this moment. I was thinking that when my dance partner spins me around, I am very aware that I am flying through space, and that I must sense the lift and trust that when the momentum is waning, I will twist around and land on my feet. What could be more "in the moment" than that?

Freedom

Altar Image

Apr 6, 2011 Growing Toward the Light

My Gift

Last week I had my first "art opening." A collection of my paintings are in a big display window on Harold Way at Addison in downtown Berkeley. I met a woman with the Downtown Berkeley Business Association and she offered me the spot for 3 months. I put an invitation on Facebook and 15 friends and family showed up, including my lovely teacher Eva and Altar designer Kathleen. We then went into the Hotel Shattuck and had a drink (I love the Black and white wallpaper in there), then some of us went to dinner at the Revival Cafe. It was wonderful!
I finally understand that having a show is not the need for validation, although it is that, but it is truly my gift to the world.
Someone said how much art rejuvenates her, and who am I to deprive her of my vision? Another said that seeing the paintings together offers not just a viewing but an experience. Thank you for those words.
I like to paint and see images of Life Force energy coming through us and connecting us to the source and to each other, which is what the dance offers.

Inner Resources

THEME: What inner resources do you draw from to maintain well being? Ah...what a challenge for me, since I am someone whose emotions change with the wind. What do I return to when my well being is off? The dance has taught me to breathe in deeply, down into my solar plexis, and to find the spot I carry anxiety in and breathe into it. To find that spot, stay with it, and know that I will be okay. That is the level of faith that has eluded me...trust in myself that whatever happens, I will be okay.

a Cruel drug

I just searched these blogs with the tag "breast cancer" and "met" fellow bloggers dealing with BC. those lucky one in eight that are members of this rotten club. It is such an emotional roller coaster. The Tamoxifen continues to reveal its affects on me, blocking my estrogen and tweaking my body. A little league mom who is a year ahead of me on this BC journey said "Tamoxifen is a cruel drug." That says it all. It's robbing me of the natural unfolding of menopause. The journey of becoming a wise old crone has become a journey of recurrence avoidance and down shifting from 5th gear into 3rd gear...lots of grinding and surprises. Not a smooth ride. there is always something odd now going on with my little body. Last year someone who had cancer told me that "every little ache and pain you feel you'll ask yourself if it's cancer." I remember thinking, no I won't....but guess what??? Yes I do!

The Center Line

The theme for was "the Center Line...moving with Balance." Look how the painting lines up as a head dress for the buddha...and the dancer is supported, the feet wedged in. This painting is inspired by a new dancer to our group who spins from the center line so elegantly and with verve and passion. I can barely keep up with her. I'm good for a song at a time, but now I am learning to follow the slower rythmns to accomodate my "new normal" of energy. Slowing down isn't as much fun, but showing up and giving it my all is worth a lot.

Hello Friends, The ultrasound didn't reveal anything to worry about...it's dense in there and the scar tissue makes it hard to read so the radiologist recommended a breast MRI, but for now, I'm clear. With my new job comes new insurance, so leaving Kaiser is scary, but now onto Blue Cross/Blue Shield. The Mondor Disease, the blood clot under my arm along my ribs that goes into my left breast, reads as calcification on the mammogram and that is what the radiologist wanted to look at more closely. One doctor says take it easy, two say keep swimming and dancing to promote circulation. I swam on Saturday and yesterday I dropped my sister off at the airport and went dancing last night! Thanks for all your support.

Life just keeps on coming

I'm making calls, going out on appointments, learning all about a new company, fixing dinner, keeping up with my 3rd grader's anti-social behavior, my teenager's experimentation with alcohol, my partner's business struggles, my own schedule of dance, swim and paint. Wow, it's alot to keep up with and I am once again being challenged by my left breast. I had what felt like a bruise on my side, and although there was nothing visual on my skin, it has evolved into what the Dr. says is Mondor Disease, a blood clot that makes the vein underneath visible. It comes up my side and then into my left breast. Coincidentally, it was time for a mammogram and they have called me in for an ultrasound to further explore. The radiologist said with the scar tissue and breast density, it's hard to tell what's going on. Dr. ONeal says she feels a swollen lymph node and while I'm there tomorrow, I should have them ultrasound that, as well. If it seems suspicious, ask for a biopsy, although it could be from the blood clot. "blood clot" sounds horrible, but supposedly it's not the kind that could travel into my heart or lungs and take me out instantly. The remedy is an aspirin a day and warm compress. Since the two surgeries a year ago, my breast has all kinds of weird sensations going on. Now it is more than ever...psychosomatic or is something really going on?

Last night in dance I saw how easily I am blown off my center. The theme was "moving from the center line.... In a balanced state." I have always been easy to rock, and yesterday was no exception. I just wanted to cry and hit "start over" so I might do things differently, create a life that wasn't so full of stress. Yet I do know that it is not what the stresses are, we all have them, it's how we carry them. I carry them as big heavy burdens wanting direction and decision, two things that challenge me on the simplest level...like what to eat or when to shower.
I'm reminded of an inflatable clown that you can punch and it gets knocked over but always comes back to standing. I need that kind of resilience.
Again, the challenge is to stay present in the moment and appreciate what I do have, and not let the fear of the what might happen ruin my NOW.

New Beginning

Hi Friends, I'm off to Chicago today to train for my new job, as a sales rep for No. California for Agati Furniture. My SFO project isn't quite finished, lots of delays at the airport, they are running construction crews 3 shifts, but the terminal 2 looks great and I can't wait to fly out of it in the future. THe furniture is almost all installed. It's been a great project for 1 1/2 years, now on to Agati.

Here is last week's painting. the theme was Unity Consciousness, that we all tap into the same life force. I intended to paint the life force coming from below, but instead what emerged was life force side-to-side. In the class, Eva had us stand in a circle and hold hands and imagine our roots intertwined, reaching to the center of the earth. It was a wonderful sensation, to be a part of. I realized my side-to-side imagery suggests we are all connected to each other.

In my last post, I wrote that I'd finally given myself permission to paint breasts. Three people have told me I am "delusional," that in fact I have painted breasts many times. So I went through my archives and sure enough, I found a few paintings with breasts, one that you see here. But allow me to make a distinction: I have painted breasts before, but I realize they were in the context of fear, pain and disease. This time around it was breasts in terms of pure pleasure (hence the fancy nipples.) I plan of giving myself permission to paint them again and again!
Thanks for reading and offering me feedback.

Permission

Eva sent me the dance theme this afternoon, "The seeds of intention. When you intend something, then you help create it. The intention of Pleasure, Well Being and Wholeness." I figured the seeds of intention are in the mind. Pink for pleasure, brown for wholeness, blue for the gratitude of being alive in a body. I immediately focused in on "pleasure"and finally gave myself permission to paint breasts. As the clock was pushing 7:00, I added the fancy nipples, using gold shimmery paint and white, as if it were icing on the cake. So, in my mind, there was no doubt that these are breasts, but then a man at dance thought they were testicles, which I really appreciate. When I came home, my older son said I should start painting something BESIDES breasts for a change!!!!! and here I am feeling like I just gave myself permission to paint them for the first time! ....Like the Woody Allen movie when the screen splits and Woody is on one side telling his therapist that they never have sex, only 3 times a week and Diane Keaton is on the other side saying they have sex all the time, 3 times a week. It's all a matter of perception.
The painting was a big hit with fellow dancers. It amazes me that I can be reading the theme at 5pm, stare into a blank sheet of paper on the wall an hour late, shush my critique and trust that I can paint something, using my old smelly, dried out and cracked tempera paints. In a way I wish they were sand paintings, done with love and care and only meant to last a few hours. My paintings are witnessed for two hours,and then sit in the warehouse on a shelf gathering dust. And what to do with them when I move? They are so big. I really would like to have a show, I just have no energy to put into creating one. Where? to frame or not to frame? push pin into the walls? put price tags on them? print the greeting cards and sell them at the show? or continue to appreciate the extemporaneous value of creativity?

Tonight I felt like an artist with a vision, a calling, a purpose. I want to take two photographs of my girlfriends. One chest shot (no head, no arms, no belly) with naked breasts and one chest shot with a beautiful neckline. Then I want to paint a picture of their breasts and a beautiful neckline. The image can remind us to touch ourselves and remember that our breasts are sweet and delicious. They are designed to nourish and they offer and receive pleasure. I want to celebrate them instead of sexualize them, I want to honor them instead of fear a cancer lump in them. Some one at dance told me about organic breast oil, found at the Grand Lake Farmers market. You rub it in with your hands circling around on your breast 37 times. It nourishes them and helps you get to know their texture and lumps. I want to get some and start right away!

This is the first painting I did at the anniversary workshop. You might say it was the warm up. The paint feelings like painting with mayonaise, very juicy and smooth. This painting was damaged and I gave it to Ezri's art teacher to cut up for collage at his school.

Alter Feb 17, 2011

Anniversary

A year ago February 4th I was diagnosed with cancer,Breast Cancer. It's hard to believe a year has passed and that the ordeal is behind me, because truthfully the fear of a recurrence is with me every time I eat something. I wonder if my body is growing more cancer and if I'm eating enough anti-cancer foods. I know I eat too much sugar. It's hard to feed my boys what they will eat and make what I should be eating.

To mark the year, I treated myself to a weekend painting workshop with Stewart Cubley of Process Arts. It was his class, the Painting Experience, that I took back in 1988 that helped me pick up where I left off in 3rd grade, painting for fun and not concerned about the product. The workshop was at Fort Mason and it was a gorgeous weekend, sunny and warm. For the past 3 years my paintings have been fast, done in an hour or so before the dance class starts at 7, a useful deadline that has become an incredibly fertile practice. But in the workshop, I painted on one big painting for hours, adding two more sheets the second day and making it even bigger. "I surrender, I pray, and I expunge." I indulged in layer upon layer, quietly patternizing and getting into the groove. In that process, I had a sensation that "trust" was a physical feeling. If I could feel that sensation, I could trust.

I took this painting for the alter last week and it was great to get some distance on it. I've included a photo of the alter...thanks to Kathleen's vision...as usual, the painting came and fit in perfectly

There is a part of me that wants my life to be different, to have better relationships, to be a better parent, to challenge myself, to feel more satisfaction with myself.
I can acknowledge even the tiniest successes and expand on those. I am the gracious leader of my inner cast of characters and I lovingly heal them one by one. I treat all parts of me with compassion and understanding.
I have strengths and positive qualities. I have follow through. I have patience. I can look ahead and see what is needed. I have perceptive insights that I can take action on. I can acknowledge that these strengths are a part of me, no matter how small. I can contact these strengths within myself and enlarge them.

Support

I had a Shamanic Healing session with Veena, who calls herself Laughing Dolphin. She is amazing. An East Indian from Singapore, traveling the world to share her visions.

I showed her this drawing, "Save Yourself". She asked me, "what parts serve me? and what parts don't? and when cutting those parts out, go for big margins! My intention is to trust my intuition in every waking moment, as I do in my dance.

I have her recorded meditations on my ipod, so when she began, asking me to relax and be guided, I was able to drop right in and breath deeply from the center of my soul.  Tuning into my energy, she channeled different elements; guardian angels had a message for me, the Grandmothers sang to me, and, of course, laughing dolphins came through, along with the Goddess Kwan Yin and a hebrew prayer (and she didn't know that I am jewish )

The Sound of My Name

The dance theme last night was hard to wrap my head around,

"our true name" - that name, that sound that is the rhythm of our heart, the flow or our breath, the movement
of the blood in our veins... It is how we show up, it is how we listen to
what has heart and meaning - without judgement and attachment to outcome.
This is where our true name lies...

So I painted the Sound of My Name. I just went with my favorite symbol, my favorite brush, and painted long luxurious strokes. I love the image. It's big and bold. It makes me think of rototiling the earth.

In my last blog I complained about feeling alone, and many people contacted me to remind me that is not true, and I know that. It was a weak moment, one of fear getting the best of me, when I know gratitude is what calms me. After a long swim, (I'm back to swimming a mile, as I did in my 20's, only back then I could do it in 30 minutes, now it takes 45, but I am NOT complaining!) I focused on what is right in my life and after wards I felt fantastic. (thank goddess for endorphins).
Last night, feeling strong and grounded, I had a great dance. I'm beginning to see myself as one of the "elders" there, one of the more "developed" dancers who can drop in deep and move their body into many positions to during different tempos...slow movements with deep breaths to fast movements with limbs and sweat flying! What a practice. There was a young woman there for the 2nd time, maybe she is 25, and she reminded me of my first few times, copying others movements and laughing the whole time as her body moved in new ways. She admired me and said she couldn't keep up! Our movements in daily life are so limited in range. Most, like driving and typing are forward movements. On the dance floor one can move side-ways or backward and build lateral strength, stepping out with wide arms and horizontal legs.
I went to the Dance Performance at Berkeley High and it was fabulous. Fresh music, great choreography, high energy. It was a challenge to stay seated!

Fire of Awareness

This painiting is from December 2010 and the theme was a challenge. Eva had asked, how can we have the light of awareness and the compassion to hold all of our parts?... the good, the bad and the ugly? I couldn't separate light from fire. I imagined it would take a strong person to hold the light or be in the fire and to be compassionate with oneself while looking into your own darkness. This strong man emerged holding an offering of compassion, while being inside the caldron. Here is someone so strong, they can remain calm and offer presence while standing in the heat. I feel in the crucible. What I have taken for granted is up for grabs. Nothing is certain, the future is unknown. Can we stay in this house? Shall I take the job offer and risk changing health insurance? Will my sons be able to stay in Berkeley schools? Will I move and start over in a new community, will I be able to afford to keep everything afloat? I feel so alone, yet I know it comes down to trusting myself, and you don't need other people for that. Painting allows me to practice trust. The images I paint onto the paper continue to surprise me, and that I can trust the process and not get in the way of the imagery that takes shape. As I view the painting during the dance, I can see myself in the vessel, with no way out except through. Paint paint paint. Tomorrow is Wednesday so we will see what the theme is and what emerges. My studio space is up for sale/lease, so it's days are numbered...another unknown.

This is where I stand

I have been continuing to paint, but out of my routine of photographing and posting them. Maybe because it's so freaking cold in my studio, getting in to paint is all I can muster. But the process continues and life goes on. The theme last week: "This is where I stand." I started out painting a body with hands overhead and it looked like it was jumping on a trampoline, so the legs were covered up with a heavy cloak and the earth's red energy coming up from the center of the earth into the body for grounding and the yellow energy of universal love coming down through the crown for healing energy. They meet at the heart and melt into orange. Happy New Year. I'm looking forward to a good 2011.

Robert Becker

My brother Andy called on New Years day to say our friend Robert Becker died of a massive heart attack at 3am Florida time. He was 48. I can still see him at age 4, a blonde haired, skinny thing with a big smile and a penchant for mischief, running around in the summer at the Jewish Center in Long Beach where we went every afternoon to swim and hang out while our moms played Maj Jong. So many moons ago. He leaves his beautiful 15 year old daughter Hailey and wife Anne-Marie. He's the little brother of Mark, one of my brother Andy's oldest and best friends. I hung out with them at the Strawberry Music Festival for years, before we all had kids and were foot loose and free.

I've had my face off with a serious illness that threatens to take me out of the game, but I was lucky. He was not aware that his heart was working too hard or his arteries were clogged or whatever happened. He didn't have a chance. One minute toasting his brother and friends in California long distance and a couple of hours later, dead. It is so final. It is hard to accept. No opportunity to say we love him, that he is one of the funniest guys on the planet, especially when in the same room with Andy, Dale and Mark. He is the first one my age in our circle to die. Not what anyone would want the prize for.

I am plagued by fear of a recurrence. I dutifully take my tamoxifen every night and suffer through hot flashes that ruin a good night's sleep and force me to strip down to my undershirt on a plane home from Chicago. Thankfully it the undershirt was black and I had a scarf to cover up with as I made my way to the head. I have sensations, some painful and others not, in my breast that makes me wonder what's going on in there, residual reminders of two surgeries. Now I have pain in my chest that feels like a boot is standing on me, a feeling in the center of my core, behind my heart chakra. In the same vicinity that the three cancer tumors were removed. The pressure is back with a vengence. I swam a mile twice last week and then again yesterday, and afterwards and all today I have been uncomfortable. I did some deep breathing and yoga movements before dinner and it is definitely my lungs. Last year I had a chest x-ray and it was clear. The diagnosis is stress and anxiety, which isn't hard to believe, I certainly have a ton of stress in my life. Plus the fear that it really is a hidden tumor or pleurisy or something horrible that hasn't been revealed yet. I keep trying to breath into it, meditate, dance, relax, take things in stride, make decisions that will make my life easier, yet the pain in the center of my being remains. I need to find the balance of what is in my control and what isn't, and "the wisdom to know the difference."